the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
