The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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