I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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