I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
