I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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