You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
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