i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
