omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
