i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
