Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
