i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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