My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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