man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize