Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
