I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
