Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
