My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
