I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
