the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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