I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
