I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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