Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
