I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize