Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
