One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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