If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
