I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
