you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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