In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
