3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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