Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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