I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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