hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
