The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I will pee on everything he values.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
