The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
