you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
