white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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