I wish you could order shots online.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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