they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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