we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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