You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize