The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
