you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
