This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
