I've blown a few things in my day
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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