had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
