someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
