remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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