happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I wish you could order shots online.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My bed smells like the plague
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