I'm lost and stupid without you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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