So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
FUCK WHALES
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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