my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
