shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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