I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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