just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
