You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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