I'm eating all of the evidence.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize