Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
