Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
