I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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