Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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